Omake Files: fate sword Tuesday
by MyNoseAgreesWithMe
Summary: A series of one-page omake snippets from my story "A Swordsman's Holiday" where Kirito gets thrown into the world of fate/stay Night as Servant Saber, and hijinks ensue. Pre-written omakes have all been posted; will now update sporadically whenever inspiration hits.
1. Chapter 1

_Wait, was that smaller Pokemon seriously eating a donut?_ Kazuto wondered absently in an attempt to keep his mind off his impending collision with the ground on the other side of the giant ring-shaped portal. His limbs unstuck just before he passed through – and then the scene shifted in front of him, dropping him directly onto a couch in a lavishly furnished parlor.

Well, perhaps not _directly_. There was still enough distance for his fall to demolish the sofa beneath him, shaking the room and causing several expensive-looking items to fall off the shelves along the walls. Almost immediately, a wave of almost palpable feminine anger surfaced from a room below, its origin quickly moving up towards his current position.

The underlying coldness of her mind simply enhanced the strength of her killing intent, and Kazuto instinctively grabbed at his back to retrieve Elucidator. As his fingers closed around its hilt, he vaguely registered that _wait, that wasn't supposed to work I'm not in Aincrad or ALFheim_ before the door burst open and drove any such thoughts out of his mind.

Contrary to his expectations, though, the red-shirted teen's eyes widened when she saw him, and they appeared to glint an even _brighter_ blue than they already were as her anger dropped away. "YES, I DID IT!" she shouted, twin pigtails bouncing as she pumped her fist. "Take that, Fake Priest! Even though I forgot to set my clocks back, I _still_ got the strongest!"

 _Hold on a moment – 'fake priest,' tsundere girl wearing red and black, called me the 'strongest' after seeing my sword…_ "Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me." Kazuto complained, having recently re-watched a certain anime series from which Yui's combat style drew inspiration.

As if the universe was telling him _no, I'm not kidding_ , Rin Tohsaka raised her right hand to reveal a lollipop-shaped set of three stigmata on its back. "You doubt my power as a Master, _Servant Saber_? Or will I have to use a Command Seal to get you to cooperate?"

Kazuto sighed. "At least this takes care of my boredom. If I'm the Saber-class servant, though, I wonder if Shirou will end up with the same Archer who wants to kill him…"

"WHAT? Why would you say something like that?" Rin interrupted, only to quickly put on a sloppy mask of indifference. "I'm – I'm not asking because I'm worried about Shirou or anything! Your statement about Archer's motivations just caught me off guard, that's all!"

A mischievous grin made its way onto Kazuto's face. "Oh, really? So you're not even the _slightest_ bit jealous of your sister Sakura, who goes over to his house almost every day?"

As Rin ranted in typical tsundere fashion about how that wasn't the case, Kazuto chuckled, realizing what was _really_ going on. _This must be an omake – she's not even questioning_ how _I know all this personal information! That, and the whole fandom shift thing… Thankfully, that means this will probably be over in a few more sentenc_


	2. Chapter 2

Fate/Sword Tuesday, Part II

* * *

"You know, I _really_ have to question your choices in fashion." Kirito snarked as he defended himself against his opponent's spear. "I mean, Cap and Superman can pull it off, but blue spandex is _not_ your color. It makes you stand out like a bruised thumb…"

His opponent smirked. "My warrior's way calls me to engage in combat openly, so I have no need for stealth. And with the speed granted me by my armor's enchantments, I rarely meet an opponent who can track me – let alone keep up. Which is why it's so exhilarating to finally find a worthy opponent!"

"I guess it's too bad your Master just has you on recon duty, then." Kirito retorted, parrying Gae Bolg's attack with his Anneal Blade +6. That caused Cú Chulainn to waver slightly in surprise.

"Okay, he wants to know how the heck you know that. We've never met before, and there's no way your pretty little Master deduced his identity so quickly."

Kirito grinned. "Who says I did? You just eliminated a good portion of her potential suspects, though – we now know for sure that your Master is a dude. And based on your tone of voice, I'm guessing you don't care overly much for him either. Did he hijack your contract or something?"

Before Lancer could reply, though, the clatter of falling brooms next to the PE field interrupted them. Looking over, they saw a redheaded teenager turning to frantically run away, and Lancer sighed. "Sorry kid, but I can't leave any civilians alive. Rules of the war and all that."

"And how do you know he's a civilian?" Kirito countered, Sprinting in between the spearman and his target. "I have it on good authority that he received Magus training from your Master's rival." He could almost hear Kirei Kotomine's squawks (er, dignified grunts) of surprise at the insinuation that Kirito knew his identity, but ignored it in favor of jabbing his thumb behind him at Rin Tohsaka.

"Besides, she'll get all tsundere-angsty if you kill him – I can tell from his voice that this was originally the Unlimited Blade Works route – and you wouldn't want to upset a pretty lady, would you?"

"HEY! You better not be saying anything bad about me!" said Magus yelled, having been unable to hear his whispered comment.

Lancer shivered. "I definitely wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of that temper. Good luck dealing with her – I'm out. Peace!"

He bounded away over the rooftops, only to poke his head awkwardly around the corner seconds later. "Um, and that last sentence doesn't mean I refuse to ever fight again, OK? OK."


	3. Chapter 3

When they first ran into Ilyasviel von Einzbern, Kirito nearly mistook her for Yui – having forgotten that the two had almost identical voices in this Route. The only reason he didn't was that Yui herself had taken the place of Archer (with the excuse that Shirou had to learn how to Project swords from _somewhere_ ).

And he was perfectly willing to overlook the fact that his daughter had somehow _hacked the Throne of Heroes_ in favor of being glad he could spend time with her trying to be a proper dad. Speaking of dads, though…

"I see you've finally summoned your Servant, onii-san." Illya said in an unnervingly chipper voice. "So what if he looks like otou-san – there's no way he can stand against Berserker!"

"…Are you sure you don't need glasses, Illya?" Kirito snarked. "The only thing I have in common with your dad is the black hair and black outfit. I doubt the acclaimed Magus Killer ever used a sword, either."

"Besides, he's _my_ daddy!" Yui interrupted, emerging from her Invisibility Cloak right next to Illya. "And I won't let you hurt my daddy just because yours hurt you emotionally!"

The Einzbern heir backpedaled into Herakles' range of motion. "Wait, you – you sound like… he's _your_ otou-san... how did you know about that?"

Yui looked at her soberly, compassion evident in her features. "Your actions match the behavioral patterns of someone who holds a grudge for a perceived slight, especially one exacerbated by authority figures in said person's life. And based on your reaction to Daddy, I'm guessing you think he abandoned you for my Master, Mr. Shirou. My diagnosis is that you sit down and talk with him about your daddy in order to correct any misconceptions and thus achieve catharsis."

As Rin and Shirou struggled to comprehend why Yui sounded like she had swallowed a psychological education textbook, Illya realized exactly what Yui had said. "Hold on – _you're_ onii-san's Servant? _And_ Saber is your otou-san?"

Yui grinned disarmingly. "Yup! Servant Archer, at your service! I can also turn into a fairy – watch!" She shifted to her Navi Pixie form, only to find out that she was still at her full size. Oddly enough, a medallion shaped like a ringed gold star with wings was now fluttering around her head babbling about 'magical girl powers' and 'class cards.'

At that moment, Rin Tohsaka decided that she _really_ needed a vacation.


	4. Chapter 4

Having Servants who were unable to astralize sucked _big-time_ , Rin Tohsaka decided. The only silver lining was that her own Servant was within their age range, and so was able to attend their school under the guise of a prospective exchange student that she had been tasked with escorting – but since Shirou's Servant looked like a primary-school-age girl, he was unable to come up with a similar excuse.

Which was why it ticked her off beyond _belief_ that he showed up to school anyway, no sign of a Servant in sight. Ignoring the little voice in her head that called him brave for taking the risk, she studiously avoided him all day and berated him mentally for being so _stupid_. But when the loudspeaker announced that clubs had been canceled for the day, she decided to take the opportunity to berate him in person.

His reply shocked her to her core. "But I _do_ have a Servant with me, Tohsaka. Illya insisted on it, and I wouldn't want her to lose her brother the day after we reunited…"

"Well then, wh–"

A scream from outside interrupted them, and they rushed out of the building to find Kirito kneeling over a comatose girl, chanting a series of foreign words as arcane script swirled around him. As he finished his incantation, she coughed and shifted slightly – but little more. "Can you do anything to help her?" he asked Rin, breathing heavily. "That's the strongest healing Spell I know, and it runs off my own HP."

The magus knelt down beside him to assess the situation, only to stiffen in shock when she heard a loud _CLANG_ right next to her ear. A humongous patch of hazy air shimmered between her and the half-visible spike-on-a-chain that was now flying away from her, rapidly reverting to clear once more.

Kirito nodded in understanding, only confusing his Master even further. "Ah, so Yui's with Illya today?"

Shirou returned the nod. "Yep. And now we know for certain that there's another Servant at the school – who else would have a reason to try and kill Rin with a phantasmal weapon?"

His gaze hardened as he looked back at her. "Also, even if I didn't consider you a friend, you're still an ally in this fight. And what kind of a hero of justice would I be if I wasn't willing to protect my friends?" He shifted his eyes upwards. "You can come out now if you want."

Rin finally put two and two together, and her eyes widened in shock as the Servant accompanying Shirou discarded the cloak that made them invisible. "Wait, but – but that's…"

An anticipatory grin appeared on Shirou's face. "Berserker, it's showtime."


	5. Chapter 5

The next evening, when Shirou was abducted in his sleep by an "unknown" enemy (read: Caster), Yui decided to do the smart thing and call for backup before charging in. To anyone not in the know, though, her method of doing so would have seemed insane; all they would have seen was a school-age girl dressed up in magical-girl cosplay telling a floating star-with-wings to find _another_ schoolgirl so they could meet up.

Yui knew otherwise. With Assassin confined to the Temple staircase, he would stand no chance against Beserker – especially after a series of psychotherapy sessions that enabled him to remain lucid despite his Mad Enhancement. Now, something like that would normally be useless; however, the fact that she was participating in an omake series enabled her to overcome that particular hurdle.

That only left Caster to be dealt with. Unfortunately, she was aware of their battle abilities (thanks to her Scrying technique) and so had brought along her own backup/fiancé: former assassin-for-hire and current school administrator Souichirou Kuzuki, who would have no compunctions about injuring children thanks to his first occupation. And since he was a fully-grown adult trained for combat, he had no trouble incapacitating Illya and restraining Yui.

"So you're the boy's Servant, eh?" Medea purred as she fingered Rule Breaker. "And this war's Saber is your father? I wonder if he would be open to negotiations if you were on my side…" Coming to a quick decision, she nicked the tip of Yui's finger with her crooked dagger.

[ _Unpacking program reversion. exe_ ]

 _Administrator override: shunt files to Virus Sandbox folder._ Yui ordered as Shirou's eyes widened in panic. _Analyze foreign program and build customized firewall._

[ _Attempting to rewrite file loyalty. data_ … **ERROR: Root access denied. You do not have sufficient administrative privileges to modify this data.** ]

[Notification: Firewall complete. Materialize copy into physical object?]

With a thought, Yui confirmed the system message, followed up by tossing the resulting animal-shaped gelatin snack to Herakles as he appeared at the top of the staircase. **"τι κάνει αυτό κάνει?"** he asked curiously, holding it up to examine it.

"It'll keep her from stealing you from Illya!" Yui answered, ignoring Caster's shock at a Beserker sounding _sane_ (much less speaking in her mother language).

As Herakles tipped his head back to swallow the candy, Yui's words finally registered in Medea's brain. "What? But – but how? Rule Breaker is supposed to _cancel_ magic!"

Yui grinned. "I'm a product of technology. Ask Arthur C. Clarke about it sometime."


	6. Chapter 6

"…You know, I get the feeling I've seen you before somewhere." Kirito said off-handedly to the blond-haired man standing in the street near the Matou household. "There's a name that's right on the tip of my tongue – but what _was_ it? I know it's not Gary, 'cause that was the name of that sadistic quest NPC who left me to die… Gilbert? Gilligan? G-"

The other man scoffed, cutting him off. "As if such names were worthy of describing such a glorious man as I. Anyone well versed in literature should be well aware of my exploits, traveling the world and defeating creatures any mere man would flee at the mention of. You should consider yourself honored to even be in my presence."

Kirito snapped his fingers, as if in realization. "That's the name. Gilderoy! Almost didn't recognize you without that award-winning smile of yours. You giving out autographs today?"

Gilgamesh stood there for several minutes with a blank look on his face, and Kirito briefly wondered whether or not the particular piece of pop culture he was referencing even existed in that universe. Eventually, however, the ancient king of Uruk remembered a certain series of books that he had read several years back to counteract his boredom. And it had worked for a while – it was always amusing to see how badly the Englishwoman who wrote them misconstrued the workings of the world's magical community.

Now, however, that knowledge simply aroused his ire. "You mongrel…" he growled. "How DARE you imply that I share any sort of similarity with that overblown windbag!"

"Well, let's see." Kirito commented idly, counting on his fingers. "Blond, impeccable fashion sense, reputation comes from stories that may or may not be exaggeration, phenomenally large ego… oh, and no facial hair to speak of whatsoever."

Oddly enough, it was that last comparison that seemed to push Gilgamesh over the edge (though not so odd if one considered how petty it was and the fact that Gilgamesh _knew_ that). And, true to form for an omake, he blatantly overreacted. "You shall pay dearly for your insubordination, mongrel! **_ENUMA ELISH!_** "

Ea, the Sword of Rupture, unleashed a blinding blast upon the Fifth War's Saber too quickly for him to react – not that it would have mattered if he had, so wide was the attack's range.

Which was why Gilgamesh was dumbfounded when the glow faded to reveal not even a single brick out of place in the surrounding architecture. Kirito had been smashed up against the wall opposite himself, but had suffered no damage. The only indicator there had even been an attack was the purple hexagon that quickly winked out of existence.

Kirito chuckled, pulling himself to his feet. "Sorry, but that won't work in broad daylight. Archer's and my backstory means towns are Safe Zones during the day. Nice try, though."


	7. Chapter 7

The next time Gilgamesh encountered Kirito, the swordsman's attitude had changed markedly. As soon as he caught sight of the ancient king, the whelp dropped to a knee and bowed his head, forcing his Master to do the same. Intrigued, Gilgamesh held off on skewering him for the time being.

"Rejoice, dog, for I have deemed you worthy of an opportunity to make reparations." he said magnanimously, gesturing to the kneeling figure in front of him.

"Oh ancient and powerful King of Uruk, I offer you my apologies for the undeserved insults which I bestowed upon you when last we met." Kirito intoned. "Upon further investigation, I discovered that you graced my Master's father with your presence during the preceding War – and so I thought it prudent to honor that former association with a gift, in hopes of stemming your ire. This treasure, which comes from my personal legend, is one of the things dearest to my heart, and yet I realize that it would be of far greater value in the possession of one so mighty as you." Keeping his head bowed, he held out his hand palm-up to reveal a necklace adorned by a single teardrop-shaped crystal.

Gilgamesh examined the object, and he quickly realized that it contained power equal to that of a Servant in and of itself. "I accept your gift, as well as your apology." he conceded, placing the necklace within the treasury of his Gate. "Perhaps I shall keep you around once the War is over, as long as you remain mindful of your place."

"Your forgiveness is unparalleled." Kirito replied. "And pardon the presumption, but may I ask how familiar Tokiomi was with modern technology? His daughter's aptitude in that field is sorely lacking."

Gilgamesh laughed aloud at that as Rin silently fumed. "You're an interesting one, aren't you? I never chose to learn, as such technology was beneath my notice."

"Sooo… that means you don't know how a Trojan virus works?"

"And why should I? My power comes from magic, not machines."

Kirito grinned cheekily at him. "Because that necklace was one. Sorry, but you're no longer a player in this War."

"What? Insolent mongrel!" Gilgamesh opened his Gate to skewer Kirito, only to be met with… nothing. "What? How can this be?"

"Well… Yui just moved all your 'item. phantasm' files to her internal storage, so now she has all your Noble Phantasms and you have none. And on top of that, none of what I said to you earlier was a lie. In gamer lingo, I believe that would translate to: 'get freaking rekt, scrub'."


	8. Chapter 8

_...okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea._ Kirito decided as he backpedaled frantically. _I totally forgot that Gilgamesh didn't have all those Noble Phantasms in his original legend but still managed to do all that stuff anyways. Taunting him without having any of my weapons or armor equipped -_ _ **not**_ _my brightest decision._ While he had a basic understanding of martial arts based on his time grinding the Unarmed Combat skill, most of his physical training in the real world had been focused on the necessary stamina to use swords again, and so the Mesopotamian king's physical prowess was slowly overwhelming him despite years of disuse.

That is, until a glowing red spear pierced Gilgamesh's heart before flying through the air and being released from its owner's hand. "Hey kid, don't go dying on me yet. We haven't even had our rematch!"

"What? Impossible..." Gilgamesh wheezed as he began to dematerialize. "For one so mighty as me to be taken out so easily..."

Kirito chuckled, his breath slowing again thanks to the reprieve. "Your fault for letting Yui steal your magic armor. And for not keeping a closer eye on Kirei - looks like all this time, he was waiting for a chance to stab you in the back."

"Nah, that was all me." Lancer said proudly, thumping his chest. "Independent Action, yo! Besides, it's not like he can complain about it..."

 **"λεκές του είναι καθαρισμένα."** Berserker affirmed. **"δεν θα μπορούσε να μείνει στη γη."**

Kirito blinked. _Wait, does that mean all the remaining Servants are on our side now? After less than a_ _ **week**_ _? I knew being here would change the Grail War, but I didn't expect for it to go this far off the rails this quickly!_

As if to further prove his point, the Matou house at the end of the block spontaneously erupted into flames as an oddly chipper Sakura strode up holding a super-sized can of bug spray. "Wow, I can't believe that worked! Thanks, Rin-neesan - I won't try to steal Shirou-senpai from you any more."

Rin predictably broke down into spluttering denial about her interest in her fellow Master, only to immediately backtrack when Sakura teasingly asked if that meant Shirou was available, and Gilgamesh sighed heavily as the last remnants of his prana scattered. _If it means escaping from this insanity, then perhaps... perhaps my death was actually worth it._


	9. Chapter 9

_Well, I'm glad that's over with._ Kirito sighed in relief, watching as the fragments of the Greater Grail disintegrated into nothingness. _Good thing Yui was right about spoofing admin access using Sakura and Illya's credentials simultaneously. I do wonder why the self-destruct code was "applesauce," though..._

"There you are, Master!" a voice interrupted him irately. Blinking in surprise, he turned to see a foreign-looking blonde glaring at him, gauntleted hands firmly on her hips. "Do you know how long I have been searching for you?"

Suddenly, Rin somehow appeared between the two of them instantaneously. "Alright, who in the name of Alaya do you think you are?" she demanded, striking Tohsaka Lecture Pose #1. "You can't be a Servant because all seven of them have already been accounted for, and there's no way this bozo could be your Master even if you were!"

"Oh? And why not?" the other woman replied, fingers tightening around an invisible blade as she stepped forward.

Rin's eyes flashed. "Because he's a Servant himself - Servant Saber, to be precise. Which still begs the question: _who are you?_ "

The woman blinked. "I thought there could only be one of each Class at a time - so how could _he_ have been summoned as Saber when _he_ summoned _me_ in that role months ago?"

"The solution is quite simple, actually." Yui piped up, fluttering in to perch on her daddy's shoulder in Navi Pixie form. "Daddy accidentally summoned Miss Arturia in an omake that was written before this series started, and the author evidently felt that making a callback would hold enough humor value to merit inclusion. It is also the same reason that those of us summoned as Servants can still exist in this world despite having destroyed the Grail."

Arturia stared at them in shock. "You destroyed it? Why? You could have had whatever wish you wanted!"

Kirito snapped his fingers. "Right, I forgot - Kiritsugu never told you. The Grail had been infected by evil black goop ever since the Third War, and so any sort of wish would result in massive destruction of human life. That's why he ordered you to attack it with Excalibur last time."

Shirou froze, hand an inch away from pulling Rin back out of the middle of the standoff. "You... you knew my dad?"

"Yep." Kirito confirmed, nodding. "She also knew that blond guy Gilgamesh from earlier - he was actually the last war's Archer."

Rin whirled around to face him, eyes blazing. "Okay, buster - that's the last straw! Tell me how all you know this weirdly specific stuff about us, _RIGHT NOW!_ "

Kirito stammered for several seconds, not quite as comfortable with openly breaking the fourth wall during an omake as Yui was. "Um, uh... er - Zelretch?" he finally hedged, wincing at how unsure he sounded. But oddly enough, everybody else seemed to buy it completely.

"Ugh, I should've _known_ that crazy bloodsucker was behind it all..." Rin lamented, face buried in her hand. "Who all feels up for a trip to London so we can give him a good old kick in the pants?"

Every single resident of the Nasuverse who was present raised their hands.


End file.
